Everything's a blur

So in the last week or so, my body's been pretty messed up. My mind never shuts off with worry. My stomach has been so jacked up. One would think I've lost ten pounds just shitting.
For real. Who shits that much?
Smells like a sewer up in here.
My nerves are totally on edge.
Originally I was worried about my First 5k, then my iron issues and cold, then the next 5k and now my up coming surgery.
I haven't been sleeping well. And when u do I dream about off the wall shit.
I'm
Tryin to pass the time and not think about things. I've already watched all my recorded dvr stuff.
I've read all my books on my kindle.
I've spent as much time as possible at the damn gym.
I don't know what else to do .
Short of turning my mind off .
Everyone says don't worry. You can do it.
Or it's a routine surgery you'll be fine.
Right . Wink wink.

Kind words aren't helping.
All I hear is blah blah blah
I'm not ready to die
Just yet.
But having lupus makes it all to real for me.

Sorry I wasn't going to talk about this
But it has completely consumed my mind.

Right now I'm
Going to try and lay down and chill.
If that's possible. Someone tell my heart it can slow down now.

Peace

Reality Check

The count down is on.
The next 5k race is this Sunday.
The surgery is this Monday.
I'm feeling better. The colds almost completely gone.
I feel awesome about running this time.
Other than the weather will be chilly.
And
The sportsman doesn't think I should run. Due to the fact that I can't have surgery if I'm sick.
I get it. But I wanna run too.
We also had a "talk" last night.
I'm
Soooooo freaking d o n e with running.
I neeed/ want to get back to lifting.
That is where my true passion is.
We have done too much damn running .
And
Not enough lifting lately.
This. Started an argument.
Words were said.
Tempers flew. Ok I became a potty mouth.
Because........
Once again our goals are different .
He is ok with how he looks. He just wants to maintain.
He doesn't care about looking better.
I
On the other hand am freakin driven. To be better.
I want to look like I work out.
Not just lean. That. Is. Not. Good enough.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
But I'm not seeing results.
Sooooo
I ask the sportsman. What do I need to do??
His reply??? Of course is blind freakin love.
He thinks I already look great.
Um, hello!!!!!
That's not what I asked .
I need to know. Do I need to change my diet? Do I need to change my workout? Is it all the running?
Geezum man. Help me out here.
His reply again, he's not a body builder
Therefore he doesn't know.
Well hell. Then freakin look it up.
I mean seriously he looks and researches everything else.
Work with me here.
Yes people he does know I'm crazy obsessed.
But he married me for good and bad.
So back to my count downs.
I had to call and make payment arrangements for my bill for surgery cause I'm not independently wealthy.
I asked the lady if I were to die during surgery does the sportsman still have to pay. I think I caught her off guard. Cause there was dead silence on the end of the line. Ha ha.

Think I was joking? Not a chance. I was dead fucking serious.

So now u know. You won't be hearing from me for a couple of days.
Well unless I do die. Then you won't hear from
Me at all. Now that's fucking funny. No?

Peace

Refocusing

I visited with a gf from my gym this am. She recently entered in the womens body building competition .
She did a kick ass job. She looks amazing.
So after my run I stopped in to chit chat with my gym "friend". To tell her just that . Everyone needs their ego stroked once in awhile.
While I was standing there, I really looked at her body. And it is amazing.
It made me decide instantly that after my last run I've got to get back to my lifting. No more runs. I feel alot more comfortable lifting weights.
So that's what I'm
Doing. Going full on. Back to lifting.
I'm more than driven to succeed.
Determined to be freakin ripped.
And
I can't do that with all the running.
Not that I look bad now. But I want to look better. More defined.
Yes I'm crazy obsessed. I know it.
You don't have to say it.

I need a cigarette

It felt so good i almost fell asleep. This is a true story people.

I never got it in movies when it showed people smoking a cigarette after sex.

I mean come on, I've had good sex and awesome orgasms before
And never felt the need to have a "smoke" after.
Besides the fact I've never smoked in my life. So I just did not see the appeal

Ok so where was I? Yes
The other morning I was in the mans room
Hangin out. Ha ha
No really it's my place to go.....
Take a break.
Ok so it wasn't a " break".
I actually was in a hurry.
Not much time in the early am to get off.
And this particular morning I really needed IT b a d !!!!

It had been awhile. Which is a damn shame.
And maybe that's why this one was do freakin good.
But it was the most intense one I've had in a long time. I worked really hard to get it.
It was so damn good that I needed a nap.
And that was when I realized why those people in the movies felt they needed a smoke after.
Now I totally freakin get it.
Is it this way for everyone?
Have I been missing out this whole time? I've been shafted some how I can feel it.
Anyone? Is this a girl thing? A guy thing?
Peace

Threesome

What does that word mean?
I found this really funny post on FB.
I'll share it with you.
But really. I hear people talk all the time about them. No I'm not talking about swinging or swingers.

I'm taking two guys and a girl.
I've thought about it alot.
And I've seriously considered it.
But
Now
I just don't know. If I could do it.
I'm pretty self conscious.
It's different to post photos of yourself but to have some one see u in person
Hmmmm not so sure about that.

And I'm so picky
I don't know if I could find two guys worthy.
Lol
I ment one guy
Cause of course the other one would be the sportsman . Duh
That would be silly. To not have the sportsman participate . Right.
Ha ha

Soooo anyways it's still something I'm considering. It's just been put on the back burner. For now.

Peace

Corporate challenge

That should say it all. No?
Does your company participate in this?
Well........
In my area my company does.
It's a big deal.

Very competitive.
So I decided I would sign up.
Of course there are try outs.
Yes let's add some additional freaking stress to my already monster load.
Why the hell not. What could it possibly hurt ? Right.

So where was I? Yes, I signed up.
So I've been asked to submit my weight and max bench press weight.
So I ask the sportsman. Cause we have been practicing this since I decided to sign up.
I had no idea all the specifics. In order for the lift to count.
So I ask the sportsman realistically what should I put down . For my max
Amount. His reply, " 110lbs".
What the fuck really?
Are you sure? Cause h e l l o!!!! I have to really be able to lift that. There will be try outs.
Anyways he assures me that I can do it.
Of course that's his answer. ( for everything)
Just like when i asked him if he was sure I should do the warrior dash obstacle course.
I guess you also get extra points or something if you can bench your own weight. Ummmm, that's not gonna happen. I weight 123lbs. Benching 110 lbs is already pushing it.
The sportsman keeps reminding me I only have to do it ONCE.

Right.
Easy.
Not a problem.
Sure thing.
Ha ha

I'll keep you posted.
Of course first things first I have another 5k this Sunday I have to complete.
Then I'll worry about corp challenge.

Peace

The Sweet Sweet things

I read this recently, and it made me experience many things. Goosebumps. Wetness. Racing heart. Flushed.
Mostly aroused. I really enjoyed it.
Alot!

Maybe that's why as a young adult I used to read my dads penthouse and playboy magazines . I really enjoyed the stories. How descriptive they were .
They made me envision what it would be like to have those things done to me. To really experience them myself.
So here it is.
Enjoy.
Thinking......
Of you. Of me.
Of your lips around my cock;
Of your fingers around it;
Of my hands under the fabric of your panties;
Of my cock disappearing into you;
Of your nipples, hard enough to cut glass;
As you cum
Of our legs tangled in the sheets after.

Wow. Right. Didnt that just make you feel............
Whew .
Ok. So
I realize maybe this is a little much for some of you. I apologize for that.

But h e r e. is where I share it all.

Everything I feel. Everything I think.
And
Sometimes that might ruffle some feathers.
But i wouldn't be me if I had to put a band aid on some of my parts.

Peace

Rock the parkway

Yes, my race is over. So now it's time to share some really horrible photos.

They certainly don't make me look the best. I have no makeup on and I look really tired. Of course my energy level was only working at half capacity .

But whatever. It was a race after all not a beauty contest.
So as promised here they are.
Maybe I should give u a before photo
So you can see I don't normally look this shitty?
What cha think?

I do know that the sportsmanship race photos look alot better than mine. Must be a guy thing.
Cause in one of the photos there is this guy that is practically on top of me ( no I haven't a clue who he is) but he doesn't even look like he's sweating.
What the hell!!!!!

I hope my next race ( the 29th) has a better photo of me.


Peace

And you say I have to what?

So with my recent issues with blood loss and iron issues it has been brought to my attention that surgery is required.
I'm not thrilled.
I should be. Cause it is supposed to fix all my problems.
But I'm not. I'm scared.
I'm afraid that I will have an allergic reaction
And
Die.
No I'm not being dramatic. It's a very real possibility . Due to my lupus and my allergies to
Ummm............
Every fucking thing.
So next week I go under the knife.
Wish me luck
Cause I will need it
For sure

Peace

Race day is over and.....

So I made it. The race is over with. The weather was perfect. You couldn't have asked for a better day.

I was still sick unfortunately. But I ran none the less.

I also had to walk a little which was what I had hoped would not happen.
But I didn't have a choice. My body was in charge not my mind.

But
Even with the stopping I still made it in 36 minutes. Not bad.
Considering all the hurdles I had to jump just to be cleared to race.
I'm happy with my time.
It felt good to be done with it.
I went home after. Ate then went to the gym to lift. Then when I got home I crashed for 12 hours. I guess I was tired.
As soon as I have some photos I'll be sure to share.

Peace

Count down baby!!!!

16 hours 32 minutes 42 seconds till my race.
What a roller coaster this last two weeks have been.

Where has it left me?
I'll freakin tell you.
Currently I have a head full of snot.
Yes i said SNOT.
I've taken like 3 shits today.
My stomach is jacked .
It hurts when I cough.
But the trooper I am ( my work friend tells me this) I am going to run tomorrow. Regardless.
It's supposed to rain. It's supposed to be windy.
But I will continue on.
Cause that is what I do.
Ate a shitload of carbs for lunch
. Bagels for dinner. ( at 430pm)
Then early to bed.
I got this.

Peace

The time is almost HERE

I've been waiting/training for 11 weeks now. For my race to get here. And a week ago, I was on top of the world.
I was feeling freaking awesome. I was running for longer than I ever have.
My muscles were a little sore but I was doing great.
Then......
My iron dropped. Then I was going to have to get a blood transfusion or I was not allowed to run .
I was depressed. I know all over a race.
Then......
My iron came up enough ( due to eating things like liver and taking iron supplements) and I was cleared to run.
Then......
I came down with this freakin cold.
So the week of the race, and I'm now sick.
And
Might not get to run.
Also it's supposed to rain now. 60 percent chance on race day. What the hell!!!
This week is sooo not how I expected it to go.
I've worked hard. I deserve to run.
My mother says, that maybe I should just skip it and wait till everything aligns better. Right ! Cause all the good runners wait until every thing is Perfect. But she also reminded me that most people don't have my health issues.
Life is
So
Not fucking
FAIR.
Yes that's childish
But how I feel right now.
I just can't seem to catch a break
Ok
Now I'll step down from my pity party.

Peace

Porn and driving just do not mix

Now I'm not talking about vibrators. Cause I think that is ok. ( you know we've all done that) right :)

I'm talking about watching porno videos.

Why this topic? Today.
Well.........

Cause I got this email from a guy friend of mine yesterday and it was a video of a girl and two guys.

He thought I might enjoy it.

Which let me just be up front . I am into the whole two guys and a girl thing. What I am NOT into is hard core porn.

Now I'm not sure that was what this video contained. But let's just say it wasn't for me.
But........

There were other videos.
And I found a couple that were for me.
Might I add that my friend was surprised that I did not already look at porn. On a regular basis .

I don't know. I just haven't. Too busy?
Get plenty of the real thing? Pick your excuse. I just don't see it as a everyday thing for me.

Ok .
so where was I????

Yes.
Porn.
So I did find a video that looked interesting. On this web site.

So I was checking it out. On my way home. On/off.

Which isn't safe. Yes I was stopped .
But all it did was distract me. While I was driving. And made me super horny.
Enough so that when I got home I tried being playfully with the sportsman but he didn't really seem interested.
Insert extremely disappointed face
Here
So as usual I did the next best thing.
I took care of myself. As usual.
Oh well . I'm
Used to it by now.
But just so you know
In case you ever wondered
Porn and driving is not ok.

Peace

My chihuahua is one strange bird

So I buy this special food for my little princess chihuahua . I equally buy specific food for my wiener dog.

I put their food in separate places in the house. M's food goes in her bed room. Yes, my dog has her own room.
( long story for another time)
So on/off the wiener R. Comes cruising down the hall, to steel M's food.
I yell at him, "do you think your being sneaky R.? "
" cause I can hear your creaky ass joints ". Seriously . dumbass.
Get on down the damn hall.
Of course R. Is the sportsmans
dog. And he just thinks its freaking funny. The sportsman. Not the dog. Well who knows. Maybe the dog too.
Me. Not so much.
So the other day I put some of R's food out on the floor for my baby M to eat. Only fair right ?
So you know what she does?
She rolls around in it. What the hell?
Who does that? I've never seen a dog roll all over food. Then....... She picked up a piece and flung it thru the air. Then ran over and ate it. Strange ?
I think so. What is wrong with her?
Anyone ever seen this before?

Peace

Iron.Iron. Whose got my freakin Iron

I'm so pissed today. About a month ago I went in for ( all kinds of blood test) I was feeling extremely drained and looking pale. Initially I thought it was due to all my working out and training for this upcoming race.
Only to find out my iron levels were so damn low I was going to have to have a blood transfusion . ( not a fucking chance in hell)
So I do my part. I start taking iron pills. I start a multi vitamin. I even start eating iron rich foods.
My energy level was kickin it in high gear. I was kicking ass and taking names. I've gotten up to running 4.4 miles and bench pressing 90lbs.


Then...........
What happened you ask.
My period happened. In just 2 days. Count them. T w o!!!!! Days I have lost so much damn blood that I can hardly run for 15 minutes. What the fuck.
I have a race in 2 weeks. I don't have time for this shit.
I have doubled up on my iron pills.
But that might not be enough.
So now I have to get my blood tested again ( just love getting stuck with a needle- not!)
So that they can see what my levels are. And what my options are.
Am I supposed to go out and eat a huge hamburger? Or what .
This really sucks ass. I'm telling you.
I look all pale and crappy again. Why me? This is sooooo not fair . Cant I ever just once have something be easy.
I just don't have time to go backwards . Not now.
I attached a photo. That I took a month ago. So you can get an idea of where I'm at. I don't want to loose any of my hard work.

Whose your Daddy?

I will write about this at a later date. Since I have written it 3 damn times . And it keeps losing my shit. So frustrating.
So instead I will write a little short somethin somethin that goes along with the attached photo.
Now not recently but back in the day I have been known to drunk dial guys.
So it's funny to see this one, cause now no one ever picks up the phone and calls . They just text. Which is how someone that you don't even know just might get a certain half naked photo of ...... I'm I don't know a certain someone after having a few too many drinkys.
Sound familiar? Is that YOU??? Come on you can tell me. I promise not to share with anyone. Wink wink.
Peace

Games people play

So I've never been big on all the games you can add to your phone. There are like a million apps out there. Free and ones that cost. I just never have much additional time for "games". I have my blog. I paint. I run. I'm in the gym. I read books. I dabble in the yard. I have a pinterst page ( go ahead laugh) I text people (alot) Not much free time left. Until, my soccerboy kept talkin about words with friends. So after a couple of weeks I looked it up and added the free version. So here it's been about a month of playing this ( which I became addicted) I am not very good at it. I come up with lame words. So this lady week the soccerboy sees me playing and says" that's so old mom. No one plays words anymore". Well geezum He says everyone is playing this drawing game. Well hell. I like the words game . Then this week my friend at work says , " hey add that draw game sO we can play each other". So I go home and tell the soccerboy that I've added the drawing game and you can guess what he said. " geez mom that game us so old, no one is playing that one anymore. What the fuck!!!! I just added it. Seriously, why the need to move fwd soooo fast. Why the need for something new. On a daily basis? And who decides that's it's old news? Who says " get lets move onto this one". What the hell. I like playing words . So I guess I will just not be hip. Or with the current times. And I'm ok with that. I like to sit and enjoy shit for longer than a half a second. Which I'm sure makes me freakin old. Oh well. So . What game apps do you play? And did you pay for it? Peace